Distant Ties

There were quite a number of you.

Back then you were, all of you, my saviours from ...so many ugly things.


Sometimes it pains me to see how far we have all drifted apart from one another, the currents of our lives taking us toward our individual destinies, as we set off to make our mark in the great big world.

We have grown distant; friendships stretched just a little too far, and just that wee bit too thin. It’s as though we never met, as though we never knew each other, as though the other person never existed.

Then again, I suppose there isn’t much to be said between us in the here and now anyway. Simple hellos, simple take cares, and simple goodbyes.


But memories of the warmth, the good times and the good deeds linger in my head and in my heart still.

I cannot for the life of me find words to express gratitude for everything that you have filled my life with —if only in times past.


Wherever in the world you are tonight, you are not forgotten.

There’s a little piece of me, wishing you all the best, in whatever you are going through.

Equilibrium

 
Spring.

Spring has come, and brought along with it baggages from the past. The hot, suffocating dry air is a constant reminder of how things used to be twelve months ago.

So what better way to revisit past moments than with songs from the period?


I thought to myself what it was like. I thought to myself all that had happened. I thought to myself, and nodded.

I have come a long way. I have grown, and let many, many baddies go. I am also stronger, and much more seasoned than I was before —the crises of life have made me more hardy for sure. So many things in the world can hurt me no longer. I am not a mess with my emotions. I don’t easily fall into fits of depression. Or bouts of hate.


Life at the moment isn’t half as good as it can be, but neither is it half as bad as it would seem. With only a tiny bank account and a somewhat busy academic semester, life has been lived pretty much without the frills or the excesses of greed and desire.

It’s just me, my family, a few lifelong friends, the books, the weights and the whey. And of course, the sporadic excursions with my ageing d-eighty, which is still rolling out them day-lit scenes wonderfully well.

Really, I wouldn't want anything other than this simple, lean and drama-free existence.


Now, if only I can find an answer to the age-old “meaning of life” question.

Yoyos in the Sky

That this was perhaps the most unenjoyable Chinese New Year to me is definitely an understatement.

It’s just the most polite way I can think of putting it.

And so I thought my escapade to the Big City would be a welcome (and much needed) relief.

Disheartened, disappointed, frustrated and sad, I packed my things into the car and hurried off in the middle of the night without a care in the world.

Never would I have thought that so many things were being put to the test in so short a time, and in so many possible ways.

And if I thought driving two hundred kilometres down south to the thriving metropolis to see friends close and dear would solve everything --at least for now--, then I was to be proven utterly wrong.

But its all over now. What’s past is past. And it was all to be another lesson to be learnt. Even with all this being so, I definitely had a pleasant time during my stay there.

Thanks so much for the omelette sandwiches. For staying late despite the long drive back to Cyberjaya. For the lovely DAC. For the pint of Guinness. And for that afternoon drenched in green tea.

We are told from young to not keep unhealthy things --emotional baggages, and grudges especially-- against others for too long a time, but I cannot help but walk away from the past week doing precisely so.

Maybe just a little bit here and there.

Oh well. With all the hustle and bustle settled down and done with, I certainly look forward to the (very few) days ahead, spending time with family, the cats, the car and the coffee in this beautiful valley that is home.

It won’t be long before all this would again be a luxury, and nothing more than a mere memory of people and a place that once was.

It won’t be long before I’ll start missing all this, and wishing the academic hellhole in the island continent would be over.

It won’t be long before it’ll be time to go, again.

Divergence

So you’ve had a long and tiring day. You’re all but drawn out by the endless (and tiresome) horde of faces. Faces worn like masks. Masks worn like faces. Faces like porcelain shells covering the hollow voids within.

You grab something to eat, you shower, you turn down the white lights into a cozy, mellow haven of incandescent bulbs.

You settle down into a comfy spot, and think to yourself how sickening it all is.

Faces.


It frightens me to realise that I sometimes think of some friends that way. It frightens me to the very core when I think of some friends as a complete and utter nuisance.

It really scares me when I realise how much I’d rather distance myself from those I truly considered friends.

But above all else, it saddens me to think that we’ve grown so much that we no longer sync any more, that our wavelengths don’t match and that we’ve become so irrelevant to one another.


Some of them really go way back. Many don’t. But for those who do, I keep trying to be patient, knowing that this is just a moment and that it will pass.

But what if it doesn’t?

Are we destined then, to never cross paths again?

And worse still: what more of those that don’t go way back?

2009

This has been quite a year, and one that I feel, has passed rather too quickly. Or maybe its just me having lost track of time. Maybe I was just too occupied.

Oh I don’t know. Time is never linear anyway.

With the dates and the days approaching the inevitable, sappy and emotional posts are beginning to light up the horizon of Facebook feeds like lighthouses on the shores of a treacherous sea.

I, on the other hand, will have none of that. Just this post. Just this one post on this one blog, for just this one time.

This has indeed been a tough a year for me.

Completely unlike the violent fluctuations between extremes of the previous twelve months, this feels more like a repugnant war that has been bitterly and arduously fought; a series of long drawn battles on many personal fronts.

There were those few times that were oh-so-difficult, that seemed so unbearably tortuous, that saw no air and no light in tunnels that had no end.

But that’s alright I guess. It’s all in the past now.

Through all that I have seen so much more. My ears are less wet now, my soul more seasoned, and my mind much less green.

They say all good things must eventually come to an end. But it’s not just the good things that must end, but the bad, the horrid and the nasty as well. And this is a year that has seen so many things finally come to an end, and so much unfinished business finally finished.

What’s left is a world freed of so many unnecessary complexities, devoid of so much drama, emptied of so much anguish. What’s left is a world and a life I would never trade for anything else, ever.

What’s left are people that are true; friends that I cannot be more glad to have known, friends I cannot be more glad to know, and friends I cannot be more glad to have. 

What more than to be able to start a new year on that note?

= )

Bridges Burnt

Enough.

I'm sick of these dark recesses.

Come to think of it, isolation and avoiding issues have never helped me in the long run: they serve only to numb the initial shock.

Facing facts, knowing precisely where I stand are the things that give me my grounding.



But I think best of all is dealing with issues.  

I felt a huge sense of liberation when before the finals finished I told the person what I had wanted to tell for a very, very long time straight to the face.

I no longer care about the outcome, or how it will affect said person.

I stand by my decision, but I will not stand for what I consider an utterly unacceptable act.



Today I managed to tell another person what I had wanted to say for quite some time.

And it feels relieving.

It's pretty odd how not caring makes me feel better.

I vow to myself to write less emotionally-drenched posts after this one.

Wish me luck.

And friends, thanks for all your comments. Thanks for sticking around. Thanks for everything. You guys are great.

"...you'd be a clown by now" 

I...

I remember waking up early on Saturday mornings, speeding my way down the Sg. Besi highway. Keane, and Dashboard Confessional were played loud on the stereo. The sun having just risen, the highway empty of cars, the hot, humid Malaysian weather barely that, and the ever so troubling speed limit of 90 km/h I never obeyed. Ms Lee and JLJC were often the subjects of these trips I made to the big city.


I remember my first time drinking before the sun had set.

It was with Ms Lee, where in my order of Pepsi, she ordered a margarita. Then me, with a RM15 bottle of Heineken -what ensued wouldn’t surprise anyone.

That was also the first time I hung out with cousins I had never previously knew; the age gaps between us had ensured two decades of zero communication.


I remember finishing the 6 p.m. Machine Control classes on Thursdays, immediately jumping into the car with the clothes for the overnight stay already packed into the boot beforehand, and (again) driving speedily to catch dinner and a movie with LSH. And the early, sleep-deprived Friday mornings back to Nilai to catch another class. The Script were frequent favourites on the stereo. Many a times I left for Ipoh later the same day, or for KL early the next.



I remember that afternoon with ABS. It was one of the best conversations I’ve had in months, and certainly the most Heinekens I’ve ever had at one goal. I got so drunk I had a hangover the next day, but still drove back to Nilai to pack everything into the car before making my way back to Ipoh for the final time.

But what I remember most of all are the drives back to Ipoh on those Friday evenings.

With the sun about to set, a wonderful golden-hue was cast across the land. It’s boiling hot out there, but inside, the brand new air-conditioner of the brand new car is blowing an unending gust of freezing cold air. Andrea Bocelli is playing at at least a hundred decibels, as I (again) exceed the speed limit. With each additional rpm, the engine gets ever more powerful, rocking harder and harder with every speed increase -to a point where even the steep climb of the highway nearing Ipoh is no obstacle: the car just pushes through without a sweat. And it is roughly by then that the sun was almost completely set, where the xenon headlamps would have lit a million miles in front of me.

And then I remember reaching home. The drinks and the suppers with my dad, the chats with my parents, the white coffee in the evenings, my two cats, and the lovely meals.

Those simply were, the best times of my life.

I miss home.

Hours After Midnight

Another gruesome 14 hours in university. Another day passes. Another cycle beckons to repeat itself.

Before I plonk my head down onto the pillow and call it a night -something which I seriously need to do- I have this incessant urge to write.

Something deep. Something profound. Something meaningful.

Alas, there exists nothing within this skull but a tired and weary mind.

So I turn it off, and leave as little conscious intervention between my fingers and the keyboard as possible.

I have so many things to say.

I am happy.

I have been so for many, many days now. Despite the frequent, violent mood swings that would suggest otherwise, the unbearable stress and pressure to perform, despite the bastards and the bitches that plague my every living day, despite my moodiness --despite all this, there exists a deep, underlying current of happiness.

Of content, and of hope.

And belief.

Alas, after thirty extraordinary months, I have finally put things back in order.

I'm back.

Jumbled Emotions and Incoherent Thoughts by the Yellow Lamp

If I called it quits, threw in the towel, and let things die...

If I couldn't see past the past,

If I couldn't let bygones be bygones,


Will you blame me for it?

Will you blame me for the things I've said and done?

Will you blame me for the way I behave?


What if there really was nothing more to life than this?

What if none of this was worth the trouble?

What if the your life really was insignificant in the grand scheme of things?


Maybe this is how it all is.

Maybe this is how things end.

Maybe this is the way the universe works.


Surely you can't see everything the way I do,

Surely you think in a different light,

Surely you think I'm crazy.


Would you cut me some slack without me asking for it?

Would forgiveness lie waiting at the end of this road?

Would there be mercy when this is all over?

Night out at Coogee

Having handed in all most of the assignments that were due, and as we promised each other, when yesterday night came it was time to go out and "WEEETTT" :D

We headed to Coogee to look for a place to drink and chill after dinner. I must say; I had a HELLUVA good time!

Oh yes, this for the tourists for sure! =D

Thats the pathetic McD that closed by the time we finished our drinks, which was before midnight *rolleyes*

Flags... big flags that hang proudly <3 you hardly get to see this back home =/ That Johhnie Walker --as lovely as it was-- was a drink too expensive to buy a second! 

Where it started off pretty overly controlled and quiet... but when these rounds started to kick in...

...everyone was getting happier! =D

And having had so many rounds, our friend started to say "who cares!" 

Alcohol does many things to many people, but this was the first time I've seen it make someone powerful! =D

Of course pictures do lie, and what was actually going on was far from a bossy scene XD

And then of course there's this:

Bondi Beach

So it was Saturday, and having had lunch, the three of us had nothing more to do. So we headed down to the beach (since I've never been there!) and my, was it spectacular!

Sunshine. Blue skies. Blue seas. Breeze. And the sheer power of those Pacific waves! 

Yeah, I really wished a handful of you were really here!!! =(

And this is what we had for dinner: Hurricane's pork ribs. No one should die before eating this, and I'm not joking. It's really that good!!!!

Yes, if it wasn't for the flash blowing out the text on my phone's LCD, it would have read: 'Wish you were here' too =/

Oh well. Today's a lazy day though. Did my laundry, said 'no' to Chinatown, cooked spaghetti for lunch, and then cycled to Centennial Park and lazed under the sun for an hour, then came to the library to 'online'! =D

Grass on the Other Side

The next time I post, I will be doing so from another continent; all the way from Down Under.

Beneath the surface of appearances, underneath the glitz and the glossy shell, lies a stressful (and costly) academic life that awaits me.

Many of life's luxuries and indulgences that I have become so accustomed to I would have to give up. 

But I think --I hope/wish-- it'll be an enjoyable experience nevertheless, once all is said and done.

So wish me luck. Wish me health and wish me wealth. Wish me all the best. 



And thank you guys so much for everything.

I will miss you all.

Letting Go

It gets more and more difficult with each passing day.

I'll soon be forced to give up so many things: chiefly the people around me, the un-pressured lifestyle, my home, and the car.

OMFG the car. The car is almost like sex! Spectacular ride and handling, drive-by-wire, VVT, VIM... blablablablabla ...and now, a full tank of pricey V-power. The acceleration is ...unbelievably smooth, and the engine revs like a happy pup.

And then, there's the 10kg subwoofer that won't be coming to Sydney with me.

And the friends that obviously can't come along.

In a few more weeks, a top-notch university's hefty academic schedules and syllabus will be laid on me to bear.

I wish I could freeze time and make this moment last forever.

I look fantastic in the mirror. I'm in rude health. My wallet is bulging with notes purple in colour. I have everything I could ever want.

I'm having the time of my life.

Someone, please, make it end slower?

a big AWWW...

As the days inch, slowly, relentlessly towards 11 July, another part of life nears it's end for me.

As nostalgia sets in, all the inevitable heavy-hearted feelings are beginning to rear their ugly heads. Soon, this would all be nothing more than a memory.

The month of June is when all the closest and most important people in my life grow a year older in number. One by one, their birthdays highlight the fact that I will not be seeing them again for at least half a year.

It has a particular impact on me because in this world of fake, superficial and pretentious individuals, these are the only people I know who are really true.

In addition to them, waking up at 2~3pm everyday, sleeping at 6am, the lovely white coffee, the car, the care-free lifestyle, I will also miss all the friends I'll be leaving behind.

Through thick and thin, sorrow and joy, all of them have been wonderful company (especially over the course of the past few months).

They say people come and go, and it is so true. While many around me are busy drawing their lines, I too, have been busy drawing lines of my own. But to real friends, and family, lines are hardly ever drawn!

There is at least three weeks before I leave, but I cannot help thanking you all; it's been wonderful to have known you guys. =D

Humans

We’re all such a pathetic bunch.

We’re the wisest of the animals, our greatest asset: our ability to reason.

Or so it is said, for when the crunch comes, we break down and give way to the senselessness and the illogic of feelings and emotions.

Faith, love, happiness, hurt or selfishness. No one is immune, not even the staunches of atheists, the most cynical or jaded of lovers, not the strongest of people nor the most selfless of individuals.

We think of ourselves as superior to those around us. We impose our ideals and our beliefs -we who claim to accept and embrace diversity and promote individualism pour scorn on those who deviate from our perceived normality.

We’re nothing but hypocrites who live our lives to principles to which we cannot uphold to.

We do the things that hurt those who truly care for us. We let people and the immaterial come between the things that are really important to us. We who are taught and claim to forgive hold life-long grudges, as we cling to the bitterness of past events.

Fickle, shallow and annoying irritants. Tiresome, stubborn and sickening clingers who won’t let the past be. Cold, cruel, calculative machines who have not a soul. Righteous, thick-headed jerks. There isn't anything here that we have not been or done to those around us, and vice versa.


What I do, that will be done to me, and what you do, others will do to you.

But hey, that’s just what I believe in --me, the faithless atheist. Me, the hypocrite. 

Cloud Nine

Moderately high up and above the clouds, there I sat in that cramppy little seat and all I could do was to keep looking out the window.

The sun's rays had this wonderful golden hue to it, and everything was almost magical. Every time I look at this picture, it always brings me back to one of the best and most memorable times of my life; meeting/being with friends closest to me, and having all the time in the world. 

And all the while, the one song that wouldn't stop playing in my head the entire month-long period:

Boy, it was all so fantastic!

silon