I’m feeling better by the day.
I’m not just feeling better, I’m actually happy.
I’m happy for no good reason at all; when I get out of the bed I just feel happy. In the shower, I feel happy.
I’m puzzled; when shit happens, when the bitches and the bastards fuck me up, I revert back to a happy state within minutes.
I’m under tremendous pressure.
I’m under five million Pascals of stress.
I’m aware of the arduous academic work the lies ahead of me.
But I’m happy.
Maybe its because I get to, and am finally living in my own skin. Maybe its because I’ve settled down in this ecosystem.
Though by no means am I at the top of the food chain -yet? Maybe. Who knows.
Simplification of my life I think, has worked exceptionally well for me.
Oust the bitches. Oust the bastards.
Kill the arbitrary constant: there will be no more mathematical integration here.
Down this alley we differentiate until only the necessary things are left. =)
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Jumbled Emotions and Incoherent Thoughts by the Yellow Lamp
If I called it quits, threw in the towel, and let things die...
If I couldn't see past the past,
If I couldn't let bygones be bygones,
Will you blame me for it?
Will you blame me for the things I've said and done?
Will you blame me for the way I behave?
What if there really was nothing more to life than this?
What if none of this was worth the trouble?
What if the your life really was insignificant in the grand scheme of things?
Maybe this is how it all is.
Maybe this is how things end.
Maybe this is the way the universe works.
Surely you can't see everything the way I do,
Surely you think in a different light,
Surely you think I'm crazy.
Would you cut me some slack without me asking for it?
Would forgiveness lie waiting at the end of this road?
Would there be mercy when this is all over?
If I couldn't see past the past,
If I couldn't let bygones be bygones,
Will you blame me for it?
Will you blame me for the things I've said and done?
Will you blame me for the way I behave?
What if there really was nothing more to life than this?
What if none of this was worth the trouble?
What if the your life really was insignificant in the grand scheme of things?
Maybe this is how it all is.
Maybe this is how things end.
Maybe this is the way the universe works.
Surely you can't see everything the way I do,
Surely you think in a different light,
Surely you think I'm crazy.
Would you cut me some slack without me asking for it?
Would forgiveness lie waiting at the end of this road?
Would there be mercy when this is all over?
Sunday, September 20, 2009
No Air
It’s a lovely Saturday night: cool, breezy, but not exceedingly cold. The air smells of joy and jubilation. Living it out good, celebrating life, and taking it easy after a long, tiring week’s worth of hard work.
This was made all the more so as two lovely hits from The Eagles played whist I cycled home.
They reminded me of my dad -we spent many Saturday nights together, drinking, having delicious suppers, and driving home speedily through the streets after that.
But for now, that will all have to remain what it is: a lovely thought, and a memory.
Because for now and until this damn semester is through, there will be no breaks, no time to rest, no free slots to live it out good -there will be no joy.
The sad truth is, I HAD to have the phone play something as I made my way through the modestly lit open areas of upper campus --simply because it felt eery to be walking alone in the silent, empty spaces devoid of people.
The sad truth is, I HAD to stay back and do assignments on a Saturday night.
The sad truth is, these days Friday, Saturday and Sunday means not that the weekend has arriveth, but that there are no lectures or tutorials, and that these are the times that I should use to study or finish up the unending continuum of academic work.
'Give me a fucking break!' has never rang so true.
This was made all the more so as two lovely hits from The Eagles played whist I cycled home.
They reminded me of my dad -we spent many Saturday nights together, drinking, having delicious suppers, and driving home speedily through the streets after that.
But for now, that will all have to remain what it is: a lovely thought, and a memory.
Because for now and until this damn semester is through, there will be no breaks, no time to rest, no free slots to live it out good -there will be no joy.
The sad truth is, I HAD to have the phone play something as I made my way through the modestly lit open areas of upper campus --simply because it felt eery to be walking alone in the silent, empty spaces devoid of people.
The sad truth is, I HAD to stay back and do assignments on a Saturday night.
The sad truth is, these days Friday, Saturday and Sunday means not that the weekend has arriveth, but that there are no lectures or tutorials, and that these are the times that I should use to study or finish up the unending continuum of academic work.
'Give me a fucking break!' has never rang so true.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
11th Hour
I love this song.
I think it's more of the context (from my POV) of the song that I like than anything else: the world around you is fast falling apart, through all the bitterness and all that was lost, the one you loved some point back in time is standing there with you. In one sweeping moment, bygones are truly bygones. Nothing of the past matters -there isn't a future left to live.
But its only in dreams, and in reality, the heartache lingers on.
Genius!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Gone are the Days
What a hazy day it is today.
Reminds me so much of Chinese New Year 2009. Ahh CNY09: I had such a wonderful time back then, having spent it with family, the best of friends, having tons of cash and a brand new car to drive around in.
Nothing could have been better than that.
Sadly, no, I do not have pictures to show for a Sydney drenched in haze amidst the mid afternoon, but I do have pictures from all those months back.
Home, the people who matter in life, material wealth and days devoid of academic pressure …how I wish it was all like that today.
Reminds me so much of Chinese New Year 2009. Ahh CNY09: I had such a wonderful time back then, having spent it with family, the best of friends, having tons of cash and a brand new car to drive around in.
Nothing could have been better than that.
Sadly, no, I do not have pictures to show for a Sydney drenched in haze amidst the mid afternoon, but I do have pictures from all those months back.
Home, the people who matter in life, material wealth and days devoid of academic pressure …how I wish it was all like that today.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Reboot
Filled to the brim with academic work, the assignments and their impending datelines line themselves up against me, inching and marching ever closer at an incessant, unceasing pace.
Amidst the pointless, mindless slaving, there is boredom.
And there is a yearning for something more: this can’t be all there is to life. There has just got to be something more.
More to life than these shallow, empty souls that populate the space around me. More to life than these figures, theories, equations, and charts and tables. More to life than humanity’s petty, calculative and selfish attitudes.
I know, I just do: there is something deeper and more meaningful to all this. Something better, something simpler, more honest, more decent and more real --even though at this point in time realism would seem to be the last thing that is on my side.
I don’t need people to breathe optimism or life into me.
I don’t need naysayers, trouble causers or shit stirrers.
I don’t need bitch queens.
I think I know what I need, and I think I know the things that need to be done.
Life shouldn't be this messy or convoluted.
All that happened in the weeks prior sickens me to death still. I don’t ever want a repeat, and never do I want to see myself through that nonsense again.
I’ve found myself a map and a half functioning compass.
Amidst the pointless, mindless slaving, there is boredom.
And there is a yearning for something more: this can’t be all there is to life. There has just got to be something more.
More to life than these shallow, empty souls that populate the space around me. More to life than these figures, theories, equations, and charts and tables. More to life than humanity’s petty, calculative and selfish attitudes.
I know, I just do: there is something deeper and more meaningful to all this. Something better, something simpler, more honest, more decent and more real --even though at this point in time realism would seem to be the last thing that is on my side.
I don’t need people to breathe optimism or life into me.
I don’t need naysayers, trouble causers or shit stirrers.
I don’t need bitch queens.
I think I know what I need, and I think I know the things that need to be done.
Life shouldn't be this messy or convoluted.
All that happened in the weeks prior sickens me to death still. I don’t ever want a repeat, and never do I want to see myself through that nonsense again.
I’ve found myself a map and a half functioning compass.
Wish me luck.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Pleading
What a spectacular collapse it was. What a giant hellhole I fell into. What a mess I became. What a wreck I’ve become.
What a sham it all was. A sham, yes, that’s what it all feels like. It’s probably not quite the right word, but its the only one I keep arriving back to.
Everything feels like a huge, giant sham.
Over the course of the last two years, I’ve done so many things, gone to so many places, seen so much and met so many people ...all the things which I would never have thought possible as the reclusive teenager that I was.
And from those towering heights -the pinnacles of life- I’ve grown so much, I’m so much less green, I’m so much more seasoned, I’m so much less foolish. I’ve matured, and gained so much… oh so, so very much.
But the simple fact is this: I’ve lost too much.
Too much for my own sake, too much for all this to be worth the trouble. I’ve grown cheap, fake and hollow like a beautiful, empty porcelain shell.
Through the smiles, the lies, the jokes, the superficial conversations and the favours that go both ways, there exists only one goal in the end: to get what it is we actually want.
This is all so very wrong, and it really can not go on like this.
My altruism in life, my good faith in people, my desire to do only what is right no matter what --these have already been lost.
I want not to lose any more.
What a sham it all was. A sham, yes, that’s what it all feels like. It’s probably not quite the right word, but its the only one I keep arriving back to.
Everything feels like a huge, giant sham.
Over the course of the last two years, I’ve done so many things, gone to so many places, seen so much and met so many people ...all the things which I would never have thought possible as the reclusive teenager that I was.
And from those towering heights -the pinnacles of life- I’ve grown so much, I’m so much less green, I’m so much more seasoned, I’m so much less foolish. I’ve matured, and gained so much… oh so, so very much.
But the simple fact is this: I’ve lost too much.
Too much for my own sake, too much for all this to be worth the trouble. I’ve grown cheap, fake and hollow like a beautiful, empty porcelain shell.
Through the smiles, the lies, the jokes, the superficial conversations and the favours that go both ways, there exists only one goal in the end: to get what it is we actually want.
This is all so very wrong, and it really can not go on like this.
My altruism in life, my good faith in people, my desire to do only what is right no matter what --these have already been lost.
I want not to lose any more.
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