Paths That Don’t Converge

 
These three months have seen me being uncharacteristically calm amidst the mountain of pressure, and (relatively) unfazed, as I stand before the greatest academic struggle of my life.

Even from the very onset of the semester, it was clear that this was to be a war that would prove to be extremely swift, tremendously difficult, and unbearably gruesome.

But it was all just that: always just a lingering thought, one of certain possible failure, of defeat, and of the great financial consequences that would ensue --but nothing, and never more than just a lingering thought.

Earlier today, in a span of a mere four hours and over six pieces of paper, I experienced what it was like to be the instrument of my study account’s considerable implosion.

In the post-exam aftermath, I have felt relieved and glad (that it’s all over), frightened and fearful (of the consequences that now lie ahead), and pissed and upset.

That none of my course-mates --many of them worthy benchmarks-- fared any better than I did is a comforting thought, but it does not change the bitter fact that I will, for the first time in half a decade, founder in school.

Something has changed.

Indeed, the papers have gotten tougher, and even if I were to have put in every single last drop of my soul into it, I would still not have made it. But still, something has changed.

Over the past few months, I have grown increasingly more laid-back, more mellow and more contented. It is not that I have grown lazy or complacent --I can hardly imagine who could in such a semester-- but that I have lost my drive.

I no longer have the energy to fight, nor the energy to pounce. I have been drained of almost every enjoyment. I have been clipped and battered down to an inconsequential rubble.

My heart just isn’t in it anymore.

Since stepping onto that four-engined jet three months back, not a day has passed without me being clouded by the illusions of a career, and of a life that lay in waiting for me back in the tropics.

I have lost track of the world around me, and my goals and my priorities in life. And if the previous post is any indication, it is  that perhaps my subconscious mind is trying to speak.