State of Affairs

I kid you not when I say that I didn’t study today. Or during the weekend. Or that yesterday, when I did actually managed to study, it was only a pathetic flip of two pages in the textbook.

Mind you, two pages of intense, heavily compressed, deeply-encompassing theory and required-understanding is no small matter. But fuck that, it’s still shitty progress nevertheless.

And adding to it was the entire last week that I just lazed and drifted through. I depended on my course-mates to finish up the lab report, and complete the assignment.

Since the submission of the fifty-page, six thousand-word assignment that was worth 30% two Fridays ago, I have reached a point of complete and utter mental saturation.

I can stare at a page the whole day and nothing would go in. I could force myself to read through the texts and that would be it: empty reading. I could resubstitute things into a formula and redo an example again and again, and not know how to do it minutes after.

I don’t even fear the finals, which is strangely odd.

As the days and the dates change, all I see are just figures passing me by -the same way I see passing figures as I do passing equations and formulae.

Worthless, meaningless figures and symbols.

I have become bored and sick and tired to death with entropy, enthalpy, nozzles, stagnation points, critical points, internal energy, the units kJ/kg, kmols, m/s and all the ensuing mass of garbled, jumbled mess.

It is my own downfall, all this. It is me who chose such a course because of my own initial self ‘interest’ in this field, and having lost it, I haven’t the ability to go on further.

I’d imagine the pressure has just not built to such a point where the sheer prospect of obliteration and the consequences of failure would force me to get all this stuff into my head anyhow, by hook or by crook, regardless of ‘interest‘ or ‘mood‘ or other ‘nonsense’.

And honestly, I hope that day better come real soon.