No Place Like...

 

I close my eyes.

The images start to flash.

Bright, dull lights hanging high atop the brown pyramidal shell that is the roof. The cold, harsh architecture, the concrete, the grey plastic, the pale marble flooring, the electric mini-train.

Images of my parents, my hands on the thick steering wheel, the odometer, the xenon-lit highway, the hint of palm trees, the valley at night, my cats.

And as if the relentless attacks on my consciousness was not enough, the dreams I dream each night too, are beyond escape.

One wonders if I’d go insane before I manage to even step onto that scheduled -400 jet.

Bygones

“It’s amazing how people don’t change.”

That has been the single one thought that has been banging in my head since I woke up this morning.

A particular conversation last night brought to me a chance rendezvous with my past, and boy was it an insightful one.

Why am I not surprised? Why -more importantly- does the ringing reverberate and resonate so intently within the confines of my skull? Why -above all else- am I even remotely bothered by this?

I know not the answers to these questions, but if there’s one thing I know, it is that I am thoroughly glad that that element of my past is behind me.

Way, way behind me.

Thousands and thousands of miles so, in the dark recesses of the horrendous pit I got myself out of all those months ago.

Each and every day is an opportunity for me to move further and further away from that hell hole, and it is one that I have duly made use of.

Each and every day I grow more and more pleased with the current reality that is my life -a life made delightfully pristine without the presence of those nasty element(s) that I no longer associate myself with.

Each and every day I become more and more glad that there are people like you, you, and you: all the you(s) who have found me, stepped into my life, bringing along with you, and showing me so much love, so much warmth, so much decency, so much innocence, and so much life.

This is a post as much it is about the past as it is the future: yesterday, and today has been a reminder of the past -my past; one filled with a garbage truckload of negativity, and at the same time, it has been a reminder of how much much much better off I now am.

And how bloody lucky I am.

On this track, there is only one way to go -and it is forward.

Yoyos in the Sky

That this was perhaps the most unenjoyable Chinese New Year to me is definitely an understatement.

It’s just the most polite way I can think of putting it.

And so I thought my escapade to the Big City would be a welcome (and much needed) relief.

Disheartened, disappointed, frustrated and sad, I packed my things into the car and hurried off in the middle of the night without a care in the world.

Never would I have thought that so many things were being put to the test in so short a time, and in so many possible ways.

And if I thought driving two hundred kilometres down south to the thriving metropolis to see friends close and dear would solve everything --at least for now--, then I was to be proven utterly wrong.

But its all over now. What’s past is past. And it was all to be another lesson to be learnt. Even with all this being so, I definitely had a pleasant time during my stay there.

Thanks so much for the omelette sandwiches. For staying late despite the long drive back to Cyberjaya. For the lovely DAC. For the pint of Guinness. And for that afternoon drenched in green tea.

We are told from young to not keep unhealthy things --emotional baggages, and grudges especially-- against others for too long a time, but I cannot help but walk away from the past week doing precisely so.

Maybe just a little bit here and there.

Oh well. With all the hustle and bustle settled down and done with, I certainly look forward to the (very few) days ahead, spending time with family, the cats, the car and the coffee in this beautiful valley that is home.

It won’t be long before all this would again be a luxury, and nothing more than a mere memory of people and a place that once was.

It won’t be long before I’ll start missing all this, and wishing the academic hellhole in the island continent would be over.

It won’t be long before it’ll be time to go, again.

Thank You

The new year has cometh!

I certainly hope it will be a good one for all of us, especially me ;)

And to further the blatant displays of selfishness, I shall now continue to write about me. This, after all, is my blog and if anything, it is supposed to be about me =P

But I have nothing to write about.

That’s right: nothing, zero, nil.

As the saying goes, “no news is good news” --and this is especially true for me and this blog of mine. These are among the most peaceful and serene days I’ve had in ages. Minor annoyances and frustrations notwithstanding, I have grown deeply accustomed to this environment of zero hostility, zero drama, zero hurt and zero nonsense.

I love my life.

I can’t help but be thankful to all those around me, and to all those who are still with me after everything.

I can’t help but to think back, and question why so many wrongs had to be, and why so many things that were so unnecessary had to happen.

I can’t help but be happy with where I am in life right now; asking, wanting and needing nothing more (except a healthy dose of cash) than all the things I already have.

You are all so awesome, so wonderful, and so, so great. And as another year begins, I cannot help but to wish that every single one of you will still be around for many, many years to come.

This song is for all of you...



...but above all else, especially you ♥

11th Hour

I love this song.

I think it's more of the context (from my POV) of the song that I like than anything else: the world around you is fast falling apart, through all the bitterness and all that was lost, the one you loved some point back in time is standing there with you. In one sweeping moment, bygones are truly bygones. Nothing of the past matters -there isn't a future left to live.

But its only in dreams, and in reality, the heartache lingers on.

Genius!

The Purge

I think this must be it. ‘This’ the slow, the gradual, and the progressive death to a train of thought that has plagued my mind since…

Since it all fell apart.

Relentless and unceasing, each and every day it comes for me: hiding behind my active thoughts, surfacing from and menacing the times when my brain is idle.

But with each passing day, and with each passing dream, it grows ever weaker, as the threads of relevance slowly unbind and untangle themselves from the nasty convoluted mess that has been the giant thrombus in my head.

The lines between right and wrong converge and intersect, winding in and blurring out into a million eddies of contradictions. The more I see, the more I think, the less I know, and the less things seem to make sense.

You then start to think about how people do it, and why.

And then you start to wonder: were you ever meant for such a thing?

The Drug

It always starts that way for me: an irritating discomfort in the throat, developing the next day into a full blown sore, fever, coughing, and vomiting --the works. 

This latest bout is among the worse I’ve had this year; a nasty, searing fever that lasted for days, and the scorching pain that followed every gulp of matter as it passed through my throat. 

The usual mix of antibiotics and paracetamol put me to sleep for the better half of those 48 hours, but during the times I was conscious, the one thought that wouldn't let me be was that of humanity’s obsessive addiction to the drug.


Sweet, beautiful, timeless, and irrefutable: what and where would mankind be without you? 

For you, and only you, we put ourselves through things of the most absurd kind. We force ourselves through all sorts of nonsense. We allow ourselves to be patronised, to be mocked in front of our very eyes. We shed, not just tears, but blood, skin, and our dignity. 

To ensure a steady and undisrupted supply of you, we lie. We deceive and we manipulate. We sacrifice, we tolerate and we submit. We let your blade cut deep into our hearts and souls, spewing insanities of every sort imaginable -ones every addict will know, and none will forget. The scars never fade; we carry them with us for the remainder of our lives.

As our addiction grows ever stronger with the passage of time, more and more of the drug we demand. But it matters not, for the drug is all that we want. It is, all that we need. And thus the suffering continues, with what joy the drug brings into our lives, and whatever amount of happiness it provides us with.

To ‘quit’ is easier said than done, for many have tried, but only a handful have and will ever succeed. The ending can play out in so many negative ways: a violent backlash, depression spanning the length months --sometimes years--, the shattering of self worth, of hopes and dreams, and in the most severe of cases, death. 

But then again, there are always those who would move on as swiftly to the next syringe as they did the ones before, and to the ones after. The method of acquiring the drug, and precisely what drug is being acquired matters not to them, for the effect is the only thing of consequence. 

Ultimately though, try as we may, no one can fully run away from the addiction. It is what is required of us. It is what we require. 

So go on, choose your syringe.                                    

Kings

There can be no victory without loss, no joy without pain, no action without consequence. 

But there are those of us who just want to have it all. Oh yes, everything there is in the world, and the universe beyond. Perhaps the root cause of this is isn't greed, but that they do not know what it is that they truly want; thus, everything becomes that that they want. 

But somewhere along the lines, there has got to be sense amidst the insanity. When the crunch comes, when it is truly time to make the call, a decision has to be made, and stood by thereafter.

Yes, decisions are never an easy thing. Choices, ah the agony of choice, they tempt us in their infinite variety of ways. They toy with our emotions, they cloud our judgement, they distort our reality, and they blur our focus. But, no matter what the decision is, one can never escape the impending aftermath that follows it. 

Sacrifice.

It is what it all ultimately boils down to. It is something no decision nor choice can be made without. It stalks the undecided, and it haunts them. Always it is there, incessant and relentless it clings to them -even those of us who seemingly have it all.

=)

Humans

We’re all such a pathetic bunch.

We’re the wisest of the animals, our greatest asset: our ability to reason.

Or so it is said, for when the crunch comes, we break down and give way to the senselessness and the illogic of feelings and emotions.

Faith, love, happiness, hurt or selfishness. No one is immune, not even the staunches of atheists, the most cynical or jaded of lovers, not the strongest of people nor the most selfless of individuals.

We think of ourselves as superior to those around us. We impose our ideals and our beliefs -we who claim to accept and embrace diversity and promote individualism pour scorn on those who deviate from our perceived normality.

We’re nothing but hypocrites who live our lives to principles to which we cannot uphold to.

We do the things that hurt those who truly care for us. We let people and the immaterial come between the things that are really important to us. We who are taught and claim to forgive hold life-long grudges, as we cling to the bitterness of past events.

Fickle, shallow and annoying irritants. Tiresome, stubborn and sickening clingers who won’t let the past be. Cold, cruel, calculative machines who have not a soul. Righteous, thick-headed jerks. There isn't anything here that we have not been or done to those around us, and vice versa.


What I do, that will be done to me, and what you do, others will do to you.

But hey, that’s just what I believe in --me, the faithless atheist. Me, the hypocrite.